Taking a Bit of Pride

Today I have been thinking a lot about doing things well and having a pride in yourself.  If you do not have pride in yourself, what do you have?  I am the sort of person who likes to do well at things.  I like people to think I have done well at things, I do not always need them to tell me … but it is nice!  I’ve been thinking this because I am looking to gain more followers and views for my blog! I do not seek fame or fortune as I think that leads to a large high followed by a larger fall, but I would like to be a little more popular and get a few more followers and views!

So far on my blog I am quite proud of what I have written and find it quite entertaining to write.  Well, I am my own biggest fan!  If you can’t love yourself then it is very difficult to love others!  I think I’m just the same as most people, but I like to be a bit more open and true to myself.  I guess I am writing this piece just for me to have a slightly introspective evening!

What led me to thinking about this was that in work this week and we had a gentleman come in to the office to collect money for some books he had left for people to potentially buy.  I organised the orders for what people wanted to buy and made sure I had the money for when he arrived.  This man said it was amazing that I was so organised to get everything so up together for when he arrived. I thought everyone would have done the same but apparently not!

I do not think it takes a lot to be organised and do a lot of little jobs like this, and I just find it naturally easy to set up a process and follow it through.  I know often that processes and systems change, but on the whole it is not difficult to follow a process if it is done step by step. I am very particular that a job should be done correctly but I do not find it difficult to adapt if processes need to be changed, so long as there is a good reason.  I often think it is important to constantly review procedures and processes so they do not become out of date.  I guess this makes me very systems focused and I’ve been like this from an early age.  Apparently this is unusual for someone with dyslexia. This may come from a fear of missing anything, or my values of not wanting to get anything wrong or be late for any appointment as it is quiet rude, and I do not like anyone being late as I do not like hanging around.  This can however lead to trouble as often I am too early for things and have to hang around anyway!

Anyway, I got a little distracted in my last paragraph but the basic essence of what I am saying is to do things well.  I am not a perfectionist by any stretch of the imagination but I am sure I could be if I never slept.  This comes back to my blogging I want it to be good, I want it to be entertaining and I want people to enjoy reading it and to make people think!  I have realised however I can get distracted by wanting to get things so correct and right that I can forget to eat or drink if I get absorbed in something.  This is not always a good thing and should often take regular breaks to refresh myself and maybe get better results in the long run. I am not sure but I might just be over critical.  I just like to be liked and feel that I should be.  I feel I am a nice person and do unto others as I would like to be done unto me.  This does not always happen.

Some people like to be disliked, for example the pantomime villain or the grumpy man at the bus stop; but I have never understood this.  I guess it is another way of being. I do not mind people thinking I am odd or strange or different, because a lot of people do.  However for people to think I do not work hard, I am lazy, I do not put energy into everything I set out to do would fill me with dread and I would hate people to hate me.  There are people who do!  I know some of these people, but I find them full of hate for the world and themselves and they do not have any respect for anyone but themselves.

I like to think I am a normal person who has one sister, brought up in a normal family in a normal house.  My parents are still together and I speak to them and my sister (on the phone) regularly.  I went to a normal school (although it did not seem normal at the time and I may blog about that later)!  I did my homework on time and took a pride in what I did and how I appeared to others. However these days, I am finding less and less normal people.  I guess I have to learn to ask my favourite question … What is normal anyway?

This blog started off to be a short one, asking the question about having pride in ones work, but is developing into a large, more general reaching of answers of society of a whole!  My basic point of this blog was just to have a bit of a timeout and think about the world I am living in at the moment.  This was to take a bit of time to analyse where I am and where my fellow man is in this ever changing world, but I am now seeking answers and asking more questions!

I am increasingly finding that this world does not have much room for somebody average like me. There are a lot of people in the world and I am but one, unique and individual. I feel however there are also a lot of people that want to fit in. I suppose I want to fit in and that is why I want to do a good job but there are many people who do not seem to want to, or do they want to but in a totally different way to what I deem to be normal.  This is a constant struggle in my life to get inside other people’s heads and find out their motivation for their actions and reactions to life.

I seem to find a lot of people I come across like to drink lots of alcohol, swear, enjoy talking loudly, constantly have no money and do not look outside their world at all.  Maybe I just mix with the wrong people!  I think I do look outside myself as I wonder what is going on in other people’s heads and try and work it out.  I think this is futile but is a constant hobby of mine.  This is not a constant occupation of mine but it takes up a lot of my time, but not as much time as it used to when I was younger.

I do not want this to turn into a rant about society as a whole but more of a piece of interest, to find out if I am the only one that thinks that they are the only (so called) normal person?  I know I am not the only normal person and not the only one who thinks what I think, but I would like to hear of other people’s opinions of normality.  Some people may find it not normal to blog about their every thought, but I guess in a way it is therapeutic for me and can set out some basic rules for living.

I once went on a mood management course and they talked about rules for living.  They asked me to come up with one rule I absolutely had to keep to, no matter what. I said:

“Do Not Lie”, they asked me to think of reason when it would be deemed acceptable to lie and at the time I had been very hurt by some big lies and had closed my mind to any possible good that would come from lying.  I was asked to think about telling children about Santa Claus to give them the magic of Christmas, and telling a dying man that he will be okay so he would not feel the pain for too much longer and give him hope.  This sort of made sense in a way that people may do things you do not immediately think of being logical or normal.  This led me to think about my rules of living and that not everything was black and white, and rules for living would use two extremes and find a middle ground:

“Do not lie if it will cause physical or mental pain to yourself or others around you”.

Writing this blog I have thought a little about my first paragraphs and still want blog views and followers, because I still want to do well.  I still want to be successful in everything I set out to do but guess I will tolerate people not doing things the same as me a bit easier. This blog is a bit of a lesson, it is a passage of writing through emotion, leading to a more harmonious outcome. I hope this has been as interesting to read as it has been to write. Perhaps me wanting this blog to be interesting and thought provoking is what has made it go on!

My final point is to conclude with is: I think I know that I am much like everyone else in the world but occasionally I feel so different to everyone else in the world. I know I am possibly and hopefully in the majority but why do I feel alone and in the minority? I guess this is because I am alone and I am the only one that is me! This may or may not be a good thing, but despite it being lonely being me it is also a good thing as I would not want to find anyone this good. It would be scary!

The New Age of Communication

When I first started blogging a few things I was worried about were no one will read it, and I'll get so into it I will not have any time for my girlfriend. Well I guess, looking at my statistics, people are reading it. I have however found that I did seem to get a little obsessed with it and had little time for my girlfriend. I noticed this Friday evening when finishing my blog about my rant on people not using the English language as well as they once did. I wanted to finish it off and spent a lot of the evening checking it and re-checking it before finally publishing it at nine at night! I do not think she was very impressed!

Talking with my other people I have noticed that blogging does seem a little introverted. I have started to wonder about modern society and wonder about what is happening with the world. I have been thinking about people’s relationship with modern technology and if this is helping modern relationships …

To start I would like to say that I am no way a techy and no way up to date with modern technology. I have only just purchased a new mobile telephone that gives me full internet access and the ability to play music I want. I think it does lots of other things too that I am not yet intelligent enough to know about. It is very new however and quite modern. My old phone simply allowed me to send text messages, telephone people and tell the time! I am a little old-school and do not enjoy computer games. I use a computer all day at work and so in the evening the last thing I want to do is to stay starring at a computer all evening!

My basic questions are with all this new technology about that has been said to improve communication and build relationships, it is? What are we communicating? Also who are we actually communicating to?

I come from a time when I had to remember to take 10p out with me so I could phone my Mum from a phone box if an emergency should arise. I would like to take each medium in turn and explain my views about them and ask some questions:

Mobile Telephones

I did not get a mobile telephone until I was nineteen. I used for emergencies and sent the occasional message to friends to see where they were and if they wanted to go for a beer. I did find that these became more and more popular and they started being banned in lecture theatres and people had to be told to turn them off! I found the same thing happened in cinemas, theatres and libraries. I am still surprised that people need to be told of this, as it is only generally polite as people should do this automatically. Other things I found were people were using them to find out what time people would be meeting and if people where at a certain place. Now I do not understand this as before mobile telephones we would say what time people would be somewhere before they left home. This did not change and people were where they said they would be at that time! Mobile telephones seemed to encourage people not to be organised and change their times for meeting and not always be where they said would be. To me this is not increasing communication. It is increasing irresponsibility for not doing what has been previously arranged! I know we live in a busy age, but it is still rude to be late or to rescind on a meeting date.

I happened to be in an informal meeting the other day at work and there was someone on their mobile telephone throughout it, pressing buttons, checking updates or something. That I felt was very rude and although he seemed to join in with the general flow of the meeting, it did not seem he was fully communicating and involved with the meeting.  I notice a few people in my office have their mobile telephones on their desks and have to keep picking it up and checking them. I do not find this effective communication. Are there so concerned with missing a message that they fail to fully concentrating on their jobs! Surely this will lead to missing something.

Social Networking Sites

I have a Facebook account and a Twitter account and have many friends and followers on each. I enjoy Facebook and finding out what people have been doing and like looking at pictures of people I knew years ago. I guess this is me being nosey but I guess this is the appeal. A lot of the people on there I would not really classify as friends but maybe acquaintances that I know or knew. Dangers obviously come when people accept friends they do not know and maybe using for dating. I see social network sites as a bit of fun but not to put on there too much about myself. People who really matter to me I will write to or phone them up to talk to about what I am doing. I will share photos with them when I see them and also my true thoughts and feelings. I lot of people put their every event, every thought and every feeling out there. Furthermore dangerously that can also say where in the world they are!

I like that on Twitter you can follow celebrities and look up their news. Twitter does limit the amount of letters you can use. I do not think I could truly express myself giving a limited number of letters. A number of celebrities or well-known people should engage their brains before using it though! As far as communication goes I guess it gives a brief insight into people you know, once knew or people you are interested in.  I am not crazy enough to put anything too serious on any social networking sites. I do not know who is watching! Plus I do not really know who would care? Sometimes I write things just to provoke a discussion, a bit like this article! In their defence however it can bring together people of similar interests and a chance to talk to people of similar interests from around the world. They can also be a great marketing tool. Mainly, I admit, I have these social network sites to be nosey and think a lot of other people do too even if they do not admit it!  

Blogging

Finally blogging … I am enjoying blogging and gives me a chance to write about my view of the world in as much depth or as limited detail as I want. I am not sure what it achieves or if it increases communication but I enjoy it! It gets a lot of ideas and thoughts of my chest. It is sort of insular and I use it to talk a lot about me and my view of the world. There are however opportunities to comment and do not mind this. I am not sure who reads these blogs at any length but I guess some people do. I do not really read that many other peoples blogs but may start. I suppose they can be used as a sort of diary but I am using mine (at the moment), as a guide to my view on life. I do not think my life is interesting enough to keep a day to day diary. I may blog things I have done or things I want to do but not regularly every day!

My questions are who reads these blogs? Are people really interested? Is it really communicating or am I just writing to myself? My blogs so far have been quiet lengthy and taken a bit of time to write and therefore has cut me off from the outside world. I do not think they have increased my overall communication as I have been so involved with writing them I have not overly spoken with my girlfriend when wanting to complete a particular article. I also have not been outside to get some fresh air or exercise and I have not had my tea yet! This could lead to trouble!

In conclusion I am going to set myself the following rules for better communication in the modern world. You do not have to agree or disagree but I think it will have to work for me. I will often try to review this list to see if it remains true:

• Use my mobile for the occasional text message to see how good friends and family are but phone them up and talk to them to make arrangements.
• Keep to those arrangements unless emergencies get in the way.
• Continue to be nosey on social network sites but do not put anything personal on there.
• Turn my mobile on to silent or off when at work, in meetings or when meeting with others.  
• Only be friends on the social networks with people you would not mind chatting to on the phone or going for a drink with.
• Remove friends you have only met once and know nothing really about.
• Blogging – Do a bit but take regular breaks and it can take a few days or weeks to write a blog.
• Not all blogs have to be long essays!
• Go out, get some exercise, meet with people and talk to people on the telephone.
• Stop typing this blog soon and get some exercise!

My final conclusion is that although we have all these new ways to communicate it does not necessarily mean we are better at it and we have better friends and better relationships with people. We may all be communicating outwards but not really sure if our information is being received. If messages are rather short then a full message is not being understood or it is just an edited high or low point then the full story is not being communicated. Are these new ways to communicate actually communication or a cry out for attention? Do people communicate for the sake of communicating when there is nothing really to say? Do they communicate the wrong information and miss out the important things of what time they will be home or what time they will meet? Furthermore if people are not fully communicating back (such as on Facebook statuses) and it is not being received than this is this really communicating at all? If everyone is all busy trying to communicate and be heard then no one has time to listen? Who is listening? Has anyone really read this whole article to the end?

Hugs - The Wonder Drug

Have you ever wondered how effective hugs are? You rarely give a hug that is not appreciated, or receive one that does not make you day a little brighter. They are particularly effective in treating everyday problems like stress, worry, anger, frustration, sadness or sorrow, and even the occasional nightmare. They are available without a prescription. Can you think of any medication that has such pleasant side effects?

Hugs are good for you. They are non-fattening, they don't cause cancer, and they don't give you cavities. They are all natural; contain no preservatives, artificial sweeteners, or other chemical additives. They are cholesterol free and contain one hundred percent of the recommended daily allowance of hope and kindness.

Hugs don't need batteries, tune ups or x-rays. They are a completely renewable source of energy and they are energy-efficient.

They are non-taxable as we as fully returnable. They can be safely used in all kinds of weather - as a matter of fact they work especially well during cold and rainy days. The best thing about hugs is that you can use them without special training or prior experience.

They don't require any instructions or a manual and tapes. But a word of caution for those trying it for the first time: you should never wait until tomorrow to hug someone who needs it today. Once you realise how good it feels you'll want to do it all over again.

Yes - hugs are extremely addictive.

Consider yourself hugged!

Right Now ...

- somebody is very proud of you.

- somebody is thinking of you.

- somebody misses you

- somebody wants to talk to you.

- somebody wants to be with you.

- somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.

- somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.

- somebody wants to hold your hand.

- somebody hopes everything turns out all right.

- somebody wants you to be happy.

- somebody wants you to find him/her.

- somebody is celebrating your successes.

- somebody wants to give you a gift.

- somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.

- somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot

- somebody wants to hug you.

- somebody admires your strength.

- somebody is thinking of you and smiling.

- somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

- somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.

- somebody thinks the world of you.

- somebody wants to protect you.

- somebody would do anything for you.

- somebody wants to be forgiven.

- somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.

- somebody wants to laugh with you.

- somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there.

- somebody is praising God for you.

- somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional.

- somebody wants to tell you how much they care.

- somebody wants to share their dreams with you.

- somebody wants to hold you in their arms.

- somebody wants YOU to hold them in your arms.

- somebody treasures your spirit.

- somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you.

- somebody praises God for your friendship and love.

- somebody can't wait to see you.

- somebody loves you for who you are.

- somebody loves the way you make them feel.

- somebody wants to be with you.

- somebody wants you to know they are there for you.

- somebody's glad that you're his/her friend.

- somebody wants to be your friend.

- somebody stayed up all night thinking about you.

- somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her.

- somebody wants to be near you.

- somebody misses your advice/guidance.

- somebody has faith in you.

- somebody trusts you.

- somebody needs you to send them this letter

- somebody needs your support.

- somebody needs you to have faith in them.

- somebody will cry when they read this.

- somebody needs you to let them be your friend.

- somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.

Thinking of You!

English Language???

Maybe I am getting old before my time or maybe it is my problems with dyslexia confusing me but I am really getting highly annoyed and frustrated and the use of the English language these days! Having discussed this with my colleagues in work and friends I appear to be fairly unique. I cannot be the only one!

This is nothing to do with political correctness because I am certainly not that! I am the first to admit my English grammar is not always the best. I mix up my tenses and me spelling is terrible (thank God for the spell checker). However I do feel that basic English is being lost. Being lost by what I would deem as fairly intelligent adults. By the term “adults” I mean older than me! I am not sure what I mean by “fairly intelligent”!

I have done a little research into this blog as I do not know a lot of what is said or communicated so I have had to speak in depth the friends and colleagues to make sure my information is correct. I have also used several social networking sites where a lot of what I am getting frustrated about seems to live.

Do not get me wrong I am not advocating going back to Shakespearean days where he would say: “How camst thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?” meaning basically: “How did you get here and where did you come from?” Throughout my research there are a lot of new ways of communication about. I think my particular distain is for abbreviations that are used. An abbreviation (from Latin brevis, meaning short, apparently) is a shortened form of a word or phrase. Usually, but not always, it consists of a letter or group of letters taken from the word or phrase. For example, the word abbreviation can itself be represented by the abbreviation abbr., abbrv. or abbrev. I think a lot of my annoyance is I have to think about what is it the person is trying to say.

My biggest problem is with the word: “LOL”, an abbreviation for laughing out loud, or laugh out loud. This is a common element of Internet slang. It was used historically on the Internet but is now widespread in other forms of computer-mediated communication, and even face-to-face communication. This is one of many acronyms for expressing bodily reactions, in particular laughter, as text, including acronyms. There are more emphatic expressions of laughter such as LMAO ("laugh(ing) my ass off"), ROTFL "roll(ing) on the floor laughing") or ROFL ("roll(ing) on [the] floor laughing"), and BWL ("bursting with laughter"). I have got to point where it really gives me utter distain every time I read or hear it and think the person using it is not very clever and should go back to school!

I shall tell a little story now about the word “LOL” now. I was in a ‘quiet’ carriage on a busy train coming back from a day out somewhere a few months ago. Now this carriage was very quiet and a lot of people were stood up. I was unfortunate enough to be one of the people stood up. I was not being noisy but I happened to be standing up close to a lady that was sat down and she was sending a message on her mobile phone. This lady was middle aged, well dressed and looked like she was returning home from an important job or meeting in London. The carriage was very quiet and I happened to glance down to her mobile telephone. I happened to notice she had entered the word “LOL”! Well she did not “Laugh Out Loud”! If she had the whole carriage would have heard. So not only terrible at English, showing a lack of education, but she was also a liar! I did not say anything but it made me think how my first impressions had obviously wrong. I may have been over reacting to three little letters but it does seem to be a little lazy and give the impression of “idiot”!

There seems to be a lot more abbreviations coming into everyday speech. I lot of the time I do know what they mean! For example:

JK – Just Kidding

BF – Boy Friend

GTG – Got To Go

BRB – Be Right Back

CLAB – Crying Like A Baby

FB – Facebook

I also received HNY in an email from a top solicitor the other day (Happy New Year)!

In my day we only really had six I can think of:

PTO – Please Turn Over

ASAP – As Soon As Possible

RIP – Rest In Peace

PDQ - Pretty Damn Quick

DIY – Do It Yourself

RSVP – Répondez S'il Vous Plaît

I am aware that certain companies and industries use abbreviations more than others. In my girlfriends profession she has a list of over 700 that she refers to regularly in the course of her job. However when they appear in everyday speech it tests my patience slightly. I do wonder if it just people being lazy?

There are some new ways of communication I do not mind. For example emoticons: An emoticon is a pictorial representation of a facial expression using punctuation marks and letters, usually written to express a person's mood. Emoticons are often used to alert a responder the mood of a statement, and can change and improve interpretation of plain text. This is a list of commonly used emoticons that I know about:

Smiley or Happy Face >:] :-) :) :o):] :3 :c) :> :}

Laughing, Big Grin >:D :-D :D 8-D x-D X-D =-3 8-)

Very Happy :-))

Frown, Sad >:[ :-( :( :-c :-< :< :-[ :[ :{

Wink, Smirk >;] ;-) ;) *-) ;-] ;^)

Surprise Shock >:o >:O :-O :O :O 8-0

There is also some picture made up of characters that I think are very cleaver and can be very sweet:

(\_/)

(='.'=)

(")_(")

There is also SMS language that is also known as txt-speak, chatspeak, txt, txtspk, texting language, txt lingo, txtslang or txtslang. It is a term for the abbreviations and slang most commonly used due to the necessary shortness of mobile phone text messaging, in particular the widespread SMS (Short Message Service) communication protocol. SMS language is also common on the Internet, including in email and instant messaging. It can also done using pictures and single letters or numbers to represent whole words (e.g. "i <3 u" which uses the pictogram of a heart for love, and the letter u replaces you).

Some rules that I can find and do not overly mind:

Single letters can replace words: be becomes b, see or sea becomes c, okay becomes k or ok, are becomes r, you becomes u, why becomes y and oh becomes o.

Single digits can replace words: won or one becomes 1, to or too becomes 2, for becomes 4 and ate becomes 8.

A single letter or digit can replace a syllable or phoneme: to or too becomes 2, so: tomorrow becomes 2mro or 2moro, today becomes 2day. For or fore becomes 4, so: before becomes b4, forget becomes 4get. Ate becomes 8, so: great becomes gr8, late becomes l8, mate becomes m8, wait becomes w8, hate becomes h8, date becomes d8 and later becomes l8r or l8a. And becomes &, thank you becomes 10q, thnq or ty.

Combinations of the above can shorten a single or multiple words: your and you're become ur, someone becomes sum1, no one becomes no1, anyone become any1 or ne1 and for you becomes 4u.

In conclusion after writing this I have decided that I may just be a bit old and grumpy because I do actually like some of this new way of speaking and do actually find some of it clever.  A great message I was once sent after a football team: Manchester United scored eight goals against an Arsenal team that scored two was:

I’d h8-2 b an Arsenal fan!

This made me laugh out loud but I would NEVER say LOL!!!

                                          Oooo

                Some people       (    )

          come into our lives     )   /

              and quickly go..     (_ /

                      oooO

                      (    )      Some people

                       \  (        become friends

                        \_)       and stay awhile...

             leaving beautiful      Oooo

             footprints on our     (    )

                       hearts...         )   /

                                            ( _/

                       oooO

                       (    )      and we aren't

                        \   (

                          \_ )      quite the same

                                    because we have

                                      made a good

                                        friend!!

       (\        /)

       (  \  _ /   )

        (  \( )/   )

       (   /  \   )    TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL

        ( / \/ \ )   AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU

         /      \    SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL

        (        )    SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU

THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL

Slow Dance

I listen to the radio every night before going to bed and while asleep. I started doing it when I listened to French radio when I was revising for my French GCSE. I gained a grade C in my exam and so thought this was a good way of learning and relaxing. It is a sort of comfort thing for me now. I do not listen to music much, mainly talk shows.

I first came across this poem or song that I would like to share about fifteen or so years ago. I believe it was a rumour that an email was sent out saying there is a little girl who had six months to live. People were asked to forward the email about her to as many people as possible because the American Cancer Society will give 3 cents per email to support her treatment. The email started with a poem titled “SLOW DANCE”. The email is signed with the name of a professor at Yeshiva University in New York. There are several versions of this email making the rounds of the internet. Some simply say this is a poem written by a dying girl. Others say the little girl gave it to a medical student. Others say the poem is being circulated by a doctor. The poem is actually from the pen of psychologist and writer David L. Weatherford.

Whatever the facts I love it and I first heard it late at night on a talk show. I could not remember what the poem was called but I emailed the show the very next day to find out what the poem was called and if could get a copy. Fortunately they replied. Here is the poem or song and hope you enjoy it as much as I did then and still do now ….

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
Or listened to rain slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
Or gazed at the sun fading into the night?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly,
When you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,
'Cause you never had time to call and say hi?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It's like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life isn't a race, so take it slower,
Hear the music before your song is over.

Don't judge a book ...

This piece is an apt piece as a lot of my memories writing this go back to this particular time of year. I am not sure where to start on this blog entry or where is going to end but here we go…

I like to think that I am thought of as fairly confident about things. At least in my adult days anyway! I do worry and analyse things much as anyone else. But try not to overly worry about things I cannot control. I do worry a bit though but try to put it to the back of my mind and have a positive outlook on life. I remain positive and try to pass this positive vibe on to others that I have contact with.

Occasionally, when I was younger, I used to stay up all night worrying about things. Things such as camping trips with the scouts or school tests or amateur dramatic plays I was involved with.  As I got older these things did not bother me so much and I did not worry about my exams during my degree and did not worry about job interviews. I felt I knew myself and was confident that I had done enough to get the required result. I knew if I had not then it was too late at that time of night to worry about it.

Now when I finished university I got a job and was working in Bristol. I was however shortly to be moving to Swindon (Wiltshire) with my partner. The plan was to commute to Bristol for a short period whilst finding a job in Swindon. The commute was half an hour on the train and a short bus journey each end. I was confident enough to think I could make this trip relatively short term. My last few weeks in Bristol before I was due to move all my things to Swindon were very busy at work and I was already catching two buses from my work to where I was living in Bristol.

This was around December time and very cold. Waiting around for buses was not much fun. I started to feel very tired in the mornings and very dizzy and had big headaches. I carried on but really struggled to get up and get out the house in the mornings. I ended up walking a lot of the way to work to wake me up and also to avoid catching a bus for fear I would fall asleep and miss my stop. I sometimes called a taxi to get me to work. It came to a bit of a head when I called a taxi to work and had to ask the driver to turn around as I just felt far to spaced out to do into work.

I made a doctor’s appointment and the doctor said I have “Labyrinthitis”. This apparently is an infection of the inner ear and it was affecting my balance. This explained a lot. Fortunately I was not feeling overly sick with it! I got some medicine and tried to carry on and convince myself the medicine would soon kick in and I would start to feel better soon. The dizziness was just in temporary.

Before I knew it I was moved to Swindon one weekend and it felt all like the right thing to do. However I was still suffering a bit with the tiredness and dizziness. After the weekend of move I really struggled to get up, it was dark, foggy and freezing outside. I kept yawning in the shower and as I was getting dressed. I walked outside in the cold and dark and all around me seemed to be closing in and blurry round the edges. I walked to the bus stop really spaced out. I managed to get on the bus but was thinking about how the world seemed to be really close around me. I continued to be yawning and feared falling asleep again. I feared missing my stop and then thinking about what would happen if that happened on the train! I had to get off the bus as there was no way I could go into work feeling like that! I pressed the bell and got off at the next stop, which could not come quick enough. I put my head down and walked back to the house. The sun was coming up and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. First day commute – failure.

It was coming up to Christmas and I had some days booked off to look for jobs. I phoned my boss and signed myself off sick for a week to lead up to my annual leave and Christmas break. I spent my whole time in bed sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I should have been happy as I had a new start with my partner, I should be looking for a job, I should be enjoying the Christmas festivities but all I felt was tired and really worried about stepping outside.

I did go outside for a bit but there was no way I could face going into a local little shop to get some milk and a paper, let alone going to the doctors’ surgery and sitting down there, surrounded with other sick people and risk feeling worse. I did not want to go to the shop as it had a big hot fan in there above the place where you queue and the hot fan would make me feel really uncomfortable. At the doctors I would have a wait in a crowded waiting room with people coughing and sneezing and have to fill in forms as I was not registered with them in Swindon. This was as well as the relatively long walk there and back. We did not have a car and there was no way I could be trapped in a car and defiantly not drive one!

After Christmas my thoughts were turning back to work and I got to a point where I got so worried I decided to book into to a bed and breakfast close to my work in Bristol for a few days so I could have a relatively short walk into work and would not have to get a bus or a train. This cost a lot of money but for my own sanity this was the only way I could think that would help until I got into commuting.

The bed and breakfast was a lonely place in the evenings after work at night. I had to live of take away food for tea. I would just lie in my room, alone, fearing I would never be able to walk out again the next morning. Getting up the next morning was a struggle and sitting down for breakfast was difficult as did not want to see anyone else or eat anything. For me this was totally not right as I love my food, especially as I had paid for it and a cooked breakfast was on offer! I could not cope with the world looking at me as I was eating, and waiting for my food with other people in what seemed like close proximity. My world was very dark and closed in. I handed in my notice at work as I knew I had to find a job closer to home in Swindon and could not stay in the bed and breakfast forever, and this was still not curing my problem.

I just wanted to go outside but not too far. The pavements were covered in snow, covered in ice and a little dangerous to walk too fast. It was cold outside but I was hot and red in the face. I was concentrating on getting to where I needed to get to, head down, feeling alone in the world with my own thoughts and fears. My heart was pumping hard and this was making me red in the face and I was breathless. No one else understood, I did not understand, what was wrong with me? When I was walking into work all sorts of questions entered my head:

What would happen if I collapsed?

Would anyone find me in the snow?

What if I had to go to hospital?

Would people know where I lived and who to phone?

What if I was in hospital and ill for ages and could not make a call to anyone to say where I was?

Who would tell my boss?

My partner would think I did not want to live with her and we would split up. I would then be alone in the world with no job, no house. I did not want to go back home to Knutsford (Cheshire) to live with my parents again!

I had to go back to Swindon, stay at home and sign myself off sick again. This was more than an ear infection. I felt quiet alone and no one could help and I felt like a failure. I could not work my notice period and ended up back in Swindon and sleeping most of the day and eating very little and not caring about food, drink or even washing as the heat from a bath or shower made me feel uncomfortable.

After two or so weeks in bed one morning I woke up and decided that I had to go out. I could not stay inside much longer and I had enough of feeling rubbish and I had to push myself through this and get some help. I pushed myself up to the local shops and stopped outside. I was hot, out of breath but knew I had to go on. I counted to ten in my head and walked in. I did not buy anything but I walked around and looked at a few bits and walked out. I walked home feeling really good and really proud of myself. I had to see the doctor still because I defiantly was not right.

The next day I phoned to make a doctor’s appointment and encouraged by my success at the shop the day before I walked there and went in. I sat on the hard seat in the reception area. I tried not to look at anyone. No one was really looking at me anyway. After what felt like hours the doctor finally called me in. I was shaking when I walked in to his room but I had made a list of everything I wanted to tell him. To his credit he was very good and listened to everything I said and gave me lots of time. The doctor said I had depression and was suffering from anxiety. The doctor prescribed my some tablets called “Citalopran” and said to come back if they were not working and he could get me some stronger ones. I did not like the fact I had to take tablets but if there worked I did not care. They said I would feel worse at first but then better. I was informed it was not addictive. I was just happy to have an answer!

I picked up my prescription and walked home, really proud of what I had done. Every day after I picked up my prescription I took a very small white tablet in the morning. I made myself get up and take it early. I was determined these tables would make me better. I would then go out and have a short walk. I walked further and further each day and about two weeks later I went into the local shop and bought myself a chocolate bar and actually stood in a queue for a few minutes. This was another big step. My confidence grew and started speaking to people in the shop. It took a couple of weeks but I then got a bus into the town. I walked around for a bit and then came home. Each step I took I gained more confidence.

By April that year I was out going into agencies and seeking more work. I managed to get a new job in a new team for a major stationery retailer and met some great people. My life was back on track! I did not have a day off sick for two years solid. I had the occasional cold but worked through it. I was determined I had spent too long in bed previously. I wanted to make the most of everyday. I even started going to football matches at the weekend and standing in a crowd of people and loved the whole experience.

I did not like to keep having to take the tablets and I tried to cut down and take one every other day. This was okay and did not suffer too badly. I then started taking one at the start and end of each week but I was getting to the end of the week and staring to feel shaky and tired. The world was starting to feel a bit big again and the edges of my vision were looked slightly blurred and like a heat haze. I put myself back on the full dose again not wanting to go down to the depths I had gone down before. By reading about the tablet it worked by restoring the balance of serotonin, a naturally occurring substance found in the brain, which helps to improve certain mood problems. I was happy to take it again thinking that if I had a broken leg I would wear a plaster cast!

I still had the odd day where I just felt awful and really had to push myself to get into work. These days generally happened when it was a bit foggy or icy or if I was feeling a little unwell. I had to really fight the fear and not go back to bed and know it was just the brain lacking a chemical. I would still go red in the face, my heart would still race and I would still believe I might collapse or I might just need to lie down and fall asleep just suddenly in the middle of the street. If these “Panic Attacks” happen then it takes a good few days to get over them and I feel extremely washed out for days later, and struggle to get my confidence back again. I still have the occasional day like it now. Sometimes these manic attacks leave me breathless, very hot, my heart beating very fast, weak in the legs and generally exhausted. It can feel like a heart attack with the pain and think take a few days to feel right again.

The effects of depression are constantly with me and even writing about some of my tough times makes my heart start to race again and I start to feel a little dizzy. I have fortunately never felt suicidal with it but know I have been in some desperate states and I would not wish feeling like I have felt on anybody. I have not suffered as many have but certainly know the power of the brain.

In conclusion I am off the tables now and day to day I do not think of the condition that much but it has probably left me suffering occasionally and with other side effects I may disclose in a blog later. I hope this will help people to understand a bit more about the problem. I am writing this over ten years later from my first illness of suffering from Labyrinthitis and have not let it take over who I am or what I want to achieve in this life.

I have come off the tablets by taking my time, listening to relaxation CD’s, breathing exercises and attending a stress and mood management course. The course was great at the relaxation and also telling be to look at my feelings in a different way and rank them in how bad they are one to ten and thinking of them as a curve that will go up and then down again. The course also consisted of a workshop on overcoming panic attacks. As I said earlier I still get them but try to get over them a bit better and quicker now.

This piece is not going to be me ranting and raving about how everyday people do not understand this illness. I am not going to rant and rave about how some people think illnesses in the mind makes you mental and people put you in a box. I am an everyday person and I would not really understand it if I did not suffer from it myself.

I hope this article has been interesting or if not entertaining but I do hope you have learned something. If not about depression and anxiety but maybe about me!

Please note this blog post in no way represents medical advice – always speak to your doctor before changing doses, or coming off medication.